luc1d-dream

Hi guys. I go by Gabby now. Just finished hitching across Canada and I'm looking to get really serious about my art. If anyone knows of any good learning websites or anything useful, I'm diving back into anatomy and looking to use photoshop when I get my laptop and tablet in.

Let me know how you've been all this time if you remember me!

-Gabby (& Boss, my 7th month old Pit)

Haven't written here in a while. It's odd - I'm typing over a background that is my thighs covered in the same pair of sunflower pants I wore frequently last summer in Verdun.

Where I am now isn't all that different from Verdun.. Within these walls there is lack of food and mental instability. Most of it actually comes from me, when I'm not medicated.

we'll be eating better now - plus mom gave us a bunch of food. I feel bad... but hey. It's good to have stuff around.

I prefer this life over the job I had at the train station, working 4 hours a day 5 days a week. I live in Montreal now, and I don't eevn need the outside worl. I have my cooky family right inside.

Explorations have me bumping up on the experience scale but nonetheless my sanity is difficult to keep without medicating. I can't always afford it.

I wonder what you guys are up to.... *bows dust off your icons*

-Tiff

I take allot of photos lately but I have little to no time to edit and post them. That's alright. Too much is kind of sweet.

Spent allot of time with a friend, exploring down town, eating, playing. Killing time. Weird little hotel.

Forcing myself out of bed in the morning. Smoking like a chimeney. Setting things in motion to meet new people and see old friends. Christmas gifts, saving money for needs and projects.

Finishing high school classes, starting soon.
(looking for an adult education center)

Talking to my boss about the meditation center soon, as well.
(focusing on when this other employee is coming back from a vacation)

Thinking

Breathing

































It's a little difficult for me to get a system going of regularly talking to all the people I would like to keep in touch with. I'm working on it - (time management thing)

Hello you guys. How have you been?
(Hello ebobo vom, surely prompt as usual)
(the jesus of Deviantart cometh)

My social confidence is more or less completely shot. I have to think about it more as a potential to develope. I have to learn how to let things go. I can't let everything go. There are definitely things I can't let go of right now.

- I can't accept that "we" 're no longer together (not going to happen. I can only accept that I have no power over this, which isn't super optimistic.)

and

- I can't/won't accept that my weight has gone up 5 lbs

Only one of these I can control.

I medicate to the point that I feel under the illusion of control, so I lose touch with controling my weight. It's supposed to be healthy and I suppose it is but I'm rejecting it profoundly. Going to work is absolutely frightening since I gained 5 lbs. I'm scared and anxious and extremely uncomfortable. My mental strength is struggling to work with what I know and what I chose. I still want to take that control back safely in my hands. It's my decision, I would continue to be frightened otherwise, and I can only keep trying to be reunited with quietness.

I can only quiet so much myself.

I need the fear to step out the door.

I thought I was able to control it, I need to be able to control it. I need to get ready for work. And stop eat so much.

This is not what buddhism teaches. I don't have the time to do any research. I have to go to work. Scared.

I do better alone I think. I'm not sure. I do better and worse. I'm not sure I can do this life thing. I don't know yet. I apparently have to.

I have to so I have to learn to. I will lean to live like you apparently should. I've completely given up on the pleasures I've known. It breaks my heart man.

That won't go away.

No one like that is going to step in and I don't know that I'll even have that kind of a welcome. I'm getting fuglier and growing distant from people. I wish it wasn't as sweet as it was, or this wouldn't be so beyond intellectual reassurances.

It's difficult

I have to go to work. Train ride. And stuff. It's cold. I HAVE TO STOP EATING SO MUCH. If I could, I'd stop crying after a few days.

It's true.

I have* to

(my boyfriend of six months suddenly broke up with me 5 days ago)
(...anyway,)

me:


Projects I'm working on:

last update:
current progress:

(still)

+ something new, a study of a photo I took of a mushroom. (begining phase)

- - - 

I don't want to go through what my state has been for the last few days. I've had enough of simply being in it. The question of whether I should continue being alive has been scaring the absolute living crap out of me.

Instead I'd like to express some select thoughts.

I haven't been happy with my new job. At 22, being a cashier with an interrupted education living at home and with limited exposure to direct daylight, my friends and my family throughout weekdays (particularly after a shocking breakup) is not very motivating. It wasn't before and it's much less awesome now. Thesensation of hopelessness and of abandon has been over-(freaking)-whelming.

I am Tiffany.
I am 22 years old which means I am an adult and I am a person.
I am in control of my own decisions, of my future.

The only aspect ofmy problems that I don't logically understand is particularly the intensity of my fears and (in relation) how long my childhood dependancies have dragged out on so many levels. It would seem that the difference between regular people and myself is that they have had enough balls to show themselves through experiences (or have been forced into showing themselves through experiences because of school, parents , social pressure and their understanding of the system in which they are "stuck" in, as "automatic" members of modern society) - - - that independance doesn't have to be scary or unpleasant. (APARENTLY.)

I've been thinking about what decisions I need to make to change my future so that I may too remain a member of human beings still alive on this earth. The threat of self destruction must now be taken very seriously because it has been breathing down my neck. Changes need to come.

- - - - -

my plan

1) Start the last two classes I need to finish my high school.

2) Work till I accumulate 1000$.
(budgeted prediction: end of January, in 2 months from now.)

3) Quit my job as a cashier downtown.

4) Take a bus to a buddhist meditation school for 10 days. Travel "light" & consise. Expect to have to gain a few pounds. (I've already chosen a place)

5) Come back to a safety bed of 1000$ and enough time to look for a better paying and more enjoyable job of around 20-25 hours - more in the AM than the PM, to allow for a nicer schedule. (all that has been missing has been a high school diploma - but I will have one.)

Could work for Canada post, in an office, via rails, companies like Opinion Search, or just look around on creg's list & Emploi Quebec

6) Earn money for college or ask for a loan

7.1) Move out inexpensively, alone or in a shared appartment or dorm.

7.2) Start college this summer

8) go through college for 3 years (26 years old when I graduate) - have as fun a time during that time as I can. College classes are varied and blow my mind with their awesomeness. 3 years doesn't have to be a waiting period - it can be an experience. It can be the last few years I have to live such a youthful lifestyle.

9) Start to be a 26 year old graphic designer. Work for a company and make enough money to live comfortably. Work during allot of week days, have friends.

Western culture.

Eek.

I don't feel that this is freedom. But if I was a graphic designer, I would be free to work as an artist and make a living while doing so.

Maybe I could find jobs online and sing in pubs once a week.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Does having a job and an appartment have to look like what it does to me right now? I hope not. And I hope that without the university, that I may still have a career in graphic design. It would seem that the best graphic designers build their own must-have-ness with their talents and the experiences they gather.

What about a pention? Holy crap, huh. Don't want to be old and working.

I stayed up all night to try and make myself think of something worth living for and now I feel discouraged about it.

It's 3 am, I wake up in 6 hours.

Tomorrow I'll be even more disapointed.

Oh my god I'm scared.


- - 

Project I can work on now (without waiting):

Coming back as an artist + pushing those limits and my own

Benefit:

• interesting time occupation
  (also = less bad time occupation)

• improving a talent
  (making it a better talent from that point on, improving my ability to express myself)

• pride from the results

• (potentialy) community

• Building an interesting profile/portfolio for College Applications

- -

From that point on I will have a home, a career drive, a social environment & a job that is less bad. I will also have learned meditation, which in my understanding may possibly help me with my excessive emotional reactions.

After all this, my parents' home will not be the same.
After 7 years they are moving out this spring at the very latest. (possibly before then) In other words - The safest environment I have had for the last 7 years of my life will be completely different and I will be pushed a bit more into accepting my reality as "permanently changed."

- - - 

( a few days later)

Man this is still pretty hard. I keep reminding myself of philosophies that are hard to understand from an emotional point of view and I'm extremely emotional. I'd like to work on a way to reduce that. 

When I think of certain things, I feel like not existing. Like not consuming any food. I feel hurt in a way more intimate than I can allow for and it shuts off. Then I can either panick or deny it. I know so little between extremes. Balance is complexe to me. (as a lone thinker)

I can't stop eating and I hate hate hate hate it. It's worse when I think of how much I hate that I hate it. Basically I disagree with the reasons why I try to stay thin and I also accept that I don't have the tools to accept parts of me that feel too alarming to understand. I realised at work the other day that I don't have issues focusing or remembering. I have issues using my head when I'm emotional.

I despise who I am and only feel good when thinking of who I could be. I can't feel it yet, I can only imagine it might come in time, the feeling that I can find balance somehow enough not to feel threatened in a dramatic way. Enough to build on completed projects and perseverance, somehow learning to communicate with people in a way that is fruitful to both. I'm all freaking backwards and thinking when I feel scared and upset like I do is like trying to see through a tiny crack in a door. Can't afford to stay still or look behind me though. Allot of me is going to die and allot of strange things are going to intrude my sense of security. Apparently it's going to be okay if I stick to that.

Apparently

So that's at least something

I have to trust"apparently" a tiny bit more. Maybe.
(apparently)
(...)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm really scared of what will happen when I see another pound up on the scale. Or another. Ah. I wish I had any kind of help with this. But it seems the more I relly on help the worse I get. I don't know how to accept this weight gain. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm confused. They say things but I feel so much resistance to it because I do'nt understand how to feel otherwise.

 - - - - - - - - -


I can't wait to get positive messages across with my art. I feel the need to inspire people. It contradicts my state though. All I can say is I hope I can change that eventually. I feel awful.