My social confidence is more or less completely shot. I have to think about it more as a potential to develope. I have to learn how to let things go. I can't let everything go. There are definitely things I can't let go of right now.
- I can't accept that "we" 're no longer together (not going to happen. I can only accept that I have no power over this, which isn't super optimistic.)
- I can't/won't accept that my weight has gone up 5 lbs
Only one of these I can control.
I medicate to the point that I feel under the illusion of control, so I lose touch with controling my weight. It's supposed to be healthy and I suppose it is but I'm rejecting it profoundly. Going to work is absolutely frightening since I gained 5 lbs. I'm scared and anxious and extremely uncomfortable. My mental strength is struggling to work with what I know and what I chose. I still want to take that control back safely in my hands. It's my decision, I would continue to be frightened otherwise, and I can only keep trying to be reunited with quietness.
I can only quiet so much myself.
I need the fear to step out the door.
I thought I was able to control it, I need to be able to control it. I need to get ready for work. And stop eat so much.
This is not what buddhism teaches. I don't have the time to do any research. I have to go to work. Scared.
I do better alone I think. I'm not sure. I do better and worse. I'm not sure I can do this life thing. I don't know yet. I apparently have to.
I have to so I have to learn to. I will lean to live like you apparently should. I've completely given up on the pleasures I've known. It breaks my heart man.
That won't go away.
No one like that is going to step in and I don't know that I'll even have that kind of a welcome. I'm getting fuglier and growing distant from people. I wish it wasn't as sweet as it was, or this wouldn't be so beyond intellectual reassurances.
I have to go to work. Train ride. And stuff. It's cold. I HAVE TO STOP EATING SO MUCH. If I could, I'd stop crying after a few days.
I have* to