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About Varied / Student Member Tiffany Gabrielle Xinidakis22/Female/Canada Group :iconbatforlashesclub: BatForLashesClub
there's a place i must go
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luc1d-dream
Tiffany Gabrielle Xinidakis
Artist | Student | Varied
Canada




About me


My name is Tiffany Gabrielle, I'm 22.

facebook Link of an artsy nutcase who probably somehow thinks you don't like her:

Facebook.com/TiffanyGabrielleA…


Interests

Activity


any of you here? just raise your hand

(and I will interview you with shy fascination)

I'd have a few questions. But is anyone here an illustrator?

1 - what does your work schedule look like?

2 - how do you work? solo/contractual/comissions or permanently engaged with a certain company/magazine/etc?

3 - if this isn't too personal, what kind of a revenue can you expect from this kind of job?

4 - What is your education level?

5 - (you don't have to answer) (really) - how old are you? in what country do you live?

For the record - I'd be just as pleased if you shot random conversation at me regardless of my neat little list. (social awkwardism - got this post nice n' pre/over-calculated)
  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: street musicians who play the Hang (on Youtube)
  • Reading: dalai lama quotes, Geography of Bliss, ADD myth
  • Watching: /listening to youtubers talk
  • Playing: more than before (not enough)
  • Eating: finally quietting the raging munchies
  • Drinking: coffee with milk & (sigh) artificial sweetener
10822145 1596713727224632 1299571454 N by luc1d-dream

I take allot of photos lately but I have little to no time to edit and post them. That's alright. Too much is kind of sweet.

Spent allot of time with a friend, exploring down town, eating, playing. Killing time. Weird little hotel.

Forcing myself out of bed in the morning. Smoking like a chimeney. Setting things in motion to meet new people and see old friends. Christmas gifts, saving money for needs and projects.

Finishing high school classes, starting soon.
(looking for an adult education center)

Talking to my boss about the meditation center soon, as well.
(focusing on when this other employee is coming back from a vacation)

Thinking

Breathing

10846842 1596714673891204 1008671271 N by luc1d-dream
10819010 1596714633891208 521505859 N by luc1d-dream

10841383 1596714697224535 359662591 N by luc1d-dream

10816005 1596714907224514 1855427796 N by luc1d-dream

10850640 1596714730557865 572067510 N by luc1d-dream

10850734 1596715270557811 1737786217 N by luc1d-dream

10850786 1596715240557814 1105694544 N by luc1d-dream

10859501 1596715670557771 1310629772 N by luc1d-dream

10836142 1596715537224451 1143121233 N by luc1d-dream

10859905 1596715617224443 958252838 N by luc1d-dream

10859715 1596715377224467 2131597066 N by luc1d-dream

10850874 1596713950557943 1535262818 N by luc1d-dream

10859627 1596715290557809 1324192916 N by luc1d-dream

10863516 1596714250557913 1785053288 N (1) by luc1d-dream

10836475 1596714473891224 1440848841 N by luc1d-dream


10841412 1596713837224621 1487711006 N by luc1d-dream

It's a little difficult for me to get a system going of regularly talking to all the people I would like to keep in touch with. I'm working on it - (time management thing)

Hello you guys. How have you been?
(Hello ebobo vom, surely prompt as usual)
(the jesus of Deviantart cometh)
10808779 692126207573077 1093884812 N by luc1d-dream

My social confidence is more or less completely shot. I have to think about it more as a potential to develope. I have to learn how to let things go. I can't let everything go. There are definitely things I can't let go of right now.

- I can't accept that "we" 're no longer together (not going to happen. I can only accept that I have no power over this, which isn't super optimistic.)

and

- I can't/won't accept that my weight has gone up 5 lbs

Only one of these I can control.

I medicate to the point that I feel under the illusion of control, so I lose touch with controling my weight. It's supposed to be healthy and I suppose it is but I'm rejecting it profoundly. Going to work is absolutely frightening since I gained 5 lbs. I'm scared and anxious and extremely uncomfortable. My mental strength is struggling to work with what I know and what I chose. I still want to take that control back safely in my hands. It's my decision, I would continue to be frightened otherwise, and I can only keep trying to be reunited with quietness.

I can only quiet so much myself.

I need the fear to step out the door.

I thought I was able to control it, I need to be able to control it. I need to get ready for work. And stop eat so much.

This is not what buddhism teaches. I don't have the time to do any research. I have to go to work. Scared.

I do better alone I think. I'm not sure. I do better and worse. I'm not sure I can do this life thing. I don't know yet. I apparently have to.

I have to so I have to learn to. I will lean to live like you apparently should. I've completely given up on the pleasures I've known. It breaks my heart man.

That won't go away.

No one like that is going to step in and I don't know that I'll even have that kind of a welcome. I'm getting fuglier and growing distant from people. I wish it wasn't as sweet as it was, or this wouldn't be so beyond intellectual reassurances.

It's difficult

I have to go to work. Train ride. And stuff. It's cold. I HAVE TO STOP EATING SO MUCH. If I could, I'd stop crying after a few days.

It's true.

I have* to
  • Mood: Crazy
  • Reading: dalai lama quotes
  • Eating: about 1850 cals a day. (double my usual diet)
(my boyfriend of six months suddenly broke up with me 5 days ago)
(...anyway,)
me:
Snapshot 20141126 3 by luc1d-dream

Projects I'm working on:

last update:Sketches For Deviant Id 2 by luc1d-dream
current progress:
Nov 26 preview minus watermark by luc1d-dream
(still)

+ something new, a study of a photo I took of a mushroom. (begining phase)
Mushroom Preview by luc1d-dream
- - - 

I don't want to go through what my state has been for the last few days. I've had enough of simply being in it. The question of whether I should continue being alive has been scaring the absolute living crap out of me.

Instead I'd like to express some select thoughts.

I haven't been happy with my new job. At 22, being a cashier with an interrupted education living at home and with limited exposure to direct daylight, my friends and my family throughout weekdays (particularly after a shocking breakup) is not very motivating. It wasn't before and it's much less awesome now. Thesensation of hopelessness and of abandon has been over-(freaking)-whelming.

I am Tiffany.
I am 22 years old which means I am an adult and I am a person.
I am in control of my own decisions, of my future.

The only aspect ofmy problems that I don't logically understand is particularly the intensity of my fears and (in relation) how long my childhood dependancies have dragged out on so many levels. It would seem that the difference between regular people and myself is that they have had enough balls to show themselves through experiences (or have been forced into showing themselves through experiences because of school, parents , social pressure and their understanding of the system in which they are "stuck" in, as "automatic" members of modern society) - - - that independance doesn't have to be scary or unpleasant. (APARENTLY.)

I've been thinking about what decisions I need to make to change my future so that I may too remain a member of human beings still alive on this earth. The threat of self destruction must now be taken very seriously because it has been breathing down my neck. Changes need to come.

- - - - -

my plan

1) Start the last two classes I need to finish my high school.

2) Work till I accumulate 1000$.
(budgeted prediction: end of January, in 2 months from now.)

3) Quit my job as a cashier downtown.

4) Take a bus to a buddhist meditation school for 10 days. Travel "light" & consise. Expect to have to gain a few pounds. (I've already chosen a place)

5) Come back to a safety bed of 1000$ and enough time to look for a better paying and more enjoyable job of around 20-25 hours - more in the AM than the PM, to allow for a nicer schedule. (all that has been missing has been a high school diploma - but I will have one.)

Could work for Canada post, in an office, via rails, companies like Opinion Search, or just look around on creg's list & Emploi Quebec

6) Earn money for college or ask for a loan

7.1) Move out inexpensively, alone or in a shared appartment or dorm.

7.2) Start college this summer

8) go through college for 3 years (26 years old when I graduate) - have as fun a time during that time as I can. College classes are varied and blow my mind with their awesomeness. 3 years doesn't have to be a waiting period - it can be an experience. It can be the last few years I have to live such a youthful lifestyle.

9) Start to be a 26 year old graphic designer. Work for a company and make enough money to live comfortably. Work during allot of week days, have friends.

Western culture.

Eek.

I don't feel that this is freedom. But if I was a graphic designer, I would be free to work as an artist and make a living while doing so.

Maybe I could find jobs online and sing in pubs once a week.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Does having a job and an appartment have to look like what it does to me right now? I hope not. And I hope that without the university, that I may still have a career in graphic design. It would seem that the best graphic designers build their own must-have-ness with their talents and the experiences they gather.

What about a pention? Holy crap, huh. Don't want to be old and working.

I stayed up all night to try and make myself think of something worth living for and now I feel discouraged about it.

It's 3 am, I wake up in 6 hours.

Tomorrow I'll be even more disapointed.

Oh my god I'm scared.


- - 

Project I can work on now (without waiting):

Coming back as an artist + pushing those limits and my own

Benefit:

  • interesting time occupation
    (also = less bad time occupation)
  • improving a talent
    (making it a better talent from that point on, improving my ability to express myself)
  • pride from the results
  • (potentialy) community
  • Building an interesting profile/portfolio for College Applications

- -

From that point on I will have a home, a career drive, a social environment & a job that is less bad. I will also have learned meditation, which in my understanding may possibly help me with my excessive emotional reactions.

After all this, my parents' home will not be the same.
After 7 years they are moving out this spring at the very latest. (possibly before then) In other words - The safest environment I have had for the last 7 years of my life will be completely different and I will be pushed a bit more into accepting my reality as "permanently changed."

- - - 

( a few days later)

Man this is still pretty hard. I keep reminding myself of philosophies that are hard to understand from an emotional point of view and I'm extremely emotional. I'd like to work on a way to reduce that. 

When I think of certain things, I feel like not existing. Like not consuming any food. I feel hurt in a way more intimate than I can allow for and it shuts off. Then I can either panick or deny it. I know so little between extremes. Balance is complexe to me. (as a lone thinker)

I can't stop eating and I hate hate hate hate it. It's worse when I think of how much I hate that I hate it. Basically I disagree with the reasons why I try to stay thin and I also accept that I don't have the tools to accept parts of me that feel too alarming to understand. I realised at work the other day that I don't have issues focusing or remembering. I have issues using my head when I'm emotional.

I despise who I am and only feel good when thinking of who I could be. I can't feel it yet, I can only imagine it might come in time, the feeling that I can find balance somehow enough not to feel threatened in a dramatic way. Enough to build on completed projects and perseverance, somehow learning to communicate with people in a way that is fruitful to both. I'm all freaking backwards and thinking when I feel scared and upset like I do is like trying to see through a tiny crack in a door. Can't afford to stay still or look behind me though. Allot of me is going to die and allot of strange things are going to intrude my sense of security. Apparently it's going to be okay if I stick to that.

Apparently

So that's at least something

I have to trust"apparently" a tiny bit more. Maybe.
(apparently)
(...)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I'm really scared of what will happen when I see another pound up on the scale. Or another. Ah. I wish I had any kind of help with this. But it seems the more I relly on help the worse I get. I don't know how to accept this weight gain. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm confused. They say things but I feel so much resistance to it because I do'nt understand how to feel otherwise.

 - - - - - - - - -


I can't wait to get positive messages across with my art. I feel the need to inspire people. It contradicts my state though. All I can say is I hope I can change that eventually. I feel awful.
  • Mood: Crazy
  • Reading: google search miscs
  • Watching: youtube videos
  • Eating: way too much
2014-11-05 13.30.02 by luc1d-dream

2014-11-05 13.28.04 by luc1d-dream 2014-11-05 13.28.25 by luc1d-dream 

Got a a new job working as a cashier at the convenience store that is probably the most ideally situated for public transportation in all of Montreal. I hate the job but the environment is very friendly. They are mostly Chinese and allow me to serve myself to some of the nicest tea I ever had. Not used to fresh tea. It looks like little green pubes in a painted cardboard can. (haha) - 20 minutes later though, it's all fresh and flower-like. There are even delicious white flower petals that float on the surface. I like their soft chewiness. I serve allot of customers but the tea helps to keep warm & reconnect with myself.

Taking the train more or less every day of the week, it gives me 35-40 minutes of time 2x a day to do whatever I like as the usual scenery passes by, beautiful regardless of the time of year or weather. (Night time is perhaps a little less convenient though. I get my anxieties at night and there is no more sunlight, so the scenery is limited to my own reflection overlapped on the vague outline of things.) I sketch, take notes, read, eat, listen to music. I speak positively to myself in my mind & steer away from daily demons. Sometimes I do very good, sometimes I do very bad. Trying to create cycles in my current way of life, and thought patterns that are more habitable, less in the extremes.

I had a scary experience recently because I lost some weight extremely rapidly. (man, I never even saw that before.) It got to a point that was very painful & surprisingly difficult to come back from. I quickly decided to do something about it. 
This plateau I have myself harbored in has healed me quite a bit from that & I'm finding myself to be much more functional and balanced. Unfortunately, upcoming stressful situations have me decided on one final decrease of 5 lbs before focusing permanent healthy maintenance. "we're going to do this together" I tell myself. I'll see that this be as simple and as healthy a process as I can manage it to be.

Got to take a shower + go. I'll write to my DA friends soon. I'm picking up an iPhone 5 tonight, might make keeping in contact with everyone and anyone allot easier.

Have a nice day / week Deviantart

(I love this place.)
  • Mood: Eager
  • Listening to: a french song by Bat for Lashes (overlooked)
  • Reading: Le Petit Prince
  • Watching: documentaries about Buddhism
  • Playing: with my new smartphon when I pick it up after work
  • Eating: vegetable omelettes
  • Drinking: water
  • Mood: Content
  • Listening to: street musicians who play the Hang (on Youtube)
  • Reading: dalai lama quotes, Geography of Bliss, ADD myth
  • Watching: /listening to youtubers talk
  • Playing: more than before (not enough)
  • Eating: finally quietting the raging munchies
  • Drinking: coffee with milk & (sigh) artificial sweetener
10822145 1596713727224632 1299571454 N by luc1d-dream

I take allot of photos lately but I have little to no time to edit and post them. That's alright. Too much is kind of sweet.

Spent allot of time with a friend, exploring down town, eating, playing. Killing time. Weird little hotel.

Forcing myself out of bed in the morning. Smoking like a chimeney. Setting things in motion to meet new people and see old friends. Christmas gifts, saving money for needs and projects.

Finishing high school classes, starting soon.
(looking for an adult education center)

Talking to my boss about the meditation center soon, as well.
(focusing on when this other employee is coming back from a vacation)

Thinking

Breathing

10846842 1596714673891204 1008671271 N by luc1d-dream
10819010 1596714633891208 521505859 N by luc1d-dream

10841383 1596714697224535 359662591 N by luc1d-dream

10816005 1596714907224514 1855427796 N by luc1d-dream

10850640 1596714730557865 572067510 N by luc1d-dream

10850734 1596715270557811 1737786217 N by luc1d-dream

10850786 1596715240557814 1105694544 N by luc1d-dream

10859501 1596715670557771 1310629772 N by luc1d-dream

10836142 1596715537224451 1143121233 N by luc1d-dream

10859905 1596715617224443 958252838 N by luc1d-dream

10859715 1596715377224467 2131597066 N by luc1d-dream

10850874 1596713950557943 1535262818 N by luc1d-dream

10859627 1596715290557809 1324192916 N by luc1d-dream

10863516 1596714250557913 1785053288 N (1) by luc1d-dream

10836475 1596714473891224 1440848841 N by luc1d-dream


10841412 1596713837224621 1487711006 N by luc1d-dream

It's a little difficult for me to get a system going of regularly talking to all the people I would like to keep in touch with. I'm working on it - (time management thing)

Hello you guys. How have you been?
(Hello ebobo vom, surely prompt as usual)
(the jesus of Deviantart cometh)

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:iconsimplyshelbs16:
simplyshelbs16 Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2014  Student Artist
thanks for the fave!
Reply
:iconpaulv3design:
PaulV3Design Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2014   Digital Artist
Thanks for the FAV!
Reply
:iconnunofigueira:
NunoFigueira Featured By Owner Sep 20, 2014
Thank you for faving Gabrielle :hug:
Reply
:icongetcarter:
getcarter Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014   Photographer
Thanks for the favorite on this photograph.
FAITH by getcarter
Reply
:iconsuzu-chan123:
Suzu-chan123 Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the fave ^^
Reply
:iconluc1d-dream:
luc1d-dream Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Student General Artist
You're welcome!! :)
Reply
:iconebolabearvomit:
EbolaBearVomit Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2014
I hope you got out of Canada safely!!
youtu.be/aO8Lk05NY8k
Reply
:iconluc1d-dream:
luc1d-dream Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2014  Student General Artist
I saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaw
Reply
:iconluc1d-dream:
luc1d-dream Featured By Owner Jul 8, 2014  Student General Artist
I don't much like the song, but I love the video, and do think I might end up liking the song too after a few listens. Thanks vom

blueeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh
Reply
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