(my boyfriend of six months suddenly broke up with me 5 days ago)
Projects I'm working on:
+ something new, a study of a photo I took of a mushroom. (begining phase)
- - -
I don't want to go through what my state has been for the last few days. I've had enough of simply being in it. The question of whether I should continue being alive has been scaring the absolute living crap out of me.
Instead I'd like to express some select thoughts.
I haven't been happy with my new job. At 22, being a cashier with an interrupted education living at home and with limited exposure to direct daylight, my friends and my family throughout weekdays (particularly after a shocking breakup) is not very motivating. It wasn't before and it's much less awesome now. Thesensation of hopelessness and of abandon has been over-(freaking)-whelming.
I am Tiffany.
I am 22 years old which means I am an adult and I am a person.
I am in control of my own decisions, of my future.
The only aspect ofmy problems that I don't logically understand is particularly the intensity of my fears and (in relation) how long my childhood dependancies have dragged out on so many levels. It would seem that the difference between regular people and myself is that they have had enough balls to show themselves through experiences (or have been forced into showing themselves through experiences because of school, parents , social pressure and their understanding of the system in which they are "stuck" in, as "automatic" members of modern society) - - - that independance doesn't have to be scary or unpleasant. (APARENTLY.)
I've been thinking about what decisions I need to make to change my future so that I may too remain a member of human beings still alive on this earth. The threat of self destruction must now be taken very seriously because it has been breathing down my neck. Changes need to come.
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1) Start the last two classes I need to finish my high school.
2) Work till I accumulate 1000$.
(budgeted prediction: end of January, in 2 months from now.)
3) Quit my job as a cashier downtown.
4) Take a bus to a buddhist meditation school for 10 days. Travel "light" & consise. Expect to have to gain a few pounds. (I've already chosen a place)
5) Come back to a safety bed of 1000$ and enough time to look for a better paying and more enjoyable job of around 20-25 hours - more in the AM than the PM, to allow for a nicer schedule. (all that has been missing has been a high school diploma - but I will have one.)
Could work for Canada post, in an office, via rails, companies like Opinion Search, or just look around on creg's list & Emploi Quebec
6) Earn money for college or ask for a loan
7.1) Move out inexpensively, alone or in a shared appartment or dorm.
7.2) Start college this summer
8) go through college for 3 years (26 years old when I graduate) - have as fun a time during that time as I can. College classes are varied and blow my mind with their awesomeness. 3 years doesn't have to be a waiting period - it can be an experience. It can be the last few years I have to live such a youthful lifestyle.
9) Start to be a 26 year old graphic designer. Work for a company and make enough money to live comfortably. Work during allot of week days, have friends.
I don't feel that this is freedom. But if I was a graphic designer, I would be free to work as an artist and make a living while doing so.
Maybe I could find jobs online and sing in pubs once a week.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Does having a job and an appartment have to look like what it does to me right now? I hope not. And I hope that without the university, that I may still have a career in graphic design. It would seem that the best graphic designers build their own must-have-ness with their talents and the experiences they gather.
What about a pention? Holy crap, huh. Don't want to be old and working.
I stayed up all night to try and make myself think of something worth living for and now I feel discouraged about it.
It's 3 am, I wake up in 6 hours.
Tomorrow I'll be even more disapointed.
Oh my god I'm scared.
- - Project I can work on now (without waiting):
Coming back as an artist + pushing those limits and my own
- interesting time occupation
(also = less bad time occupation)
- improving a talent
(making it a better talent from that point on, improving my ability to express myself)
- Building an interesting profile/portfolio for College Applications
From that point on I will have a home, a career drive, a social environment & a job that is less bad. I will also have learned meditation, which in my understanding may possibly help me with my excessive emotional reactions.
After all this, my parents' home will not be the same.
After 7 years they are moving out this spring at the very latest. (possibly before then) In other words - The safest environment I have had for the last 7 years of my life will be completely different and I will be pushed a bit more into accepting my reality as "permanently changed."
- - -
( a few days later)
Man this is still pretty hard. I keep reminding myself of philosophies that are hard to understand from an emotional point of view and I'm extremely emotional. I'd like to work on a way to reduce that.
When I think of certain things, I feel like not existing. Like not consuming any food. I feel hurt in a way more intimate than I can allow for and it shuts off. Then I can either panick or deny it. I know so little between extremes. Balance is complexe to me. (as a lone thinker)
I can't stop eating and I hate hate hate hate it. It's worse when I think of how much I hate that I hate it. Basically I disagree with the reasons why I try to stay thin and I also accept that I don't have the tools to accept parts of me that feel too alarming to understand. I realised at work the other day that I don't have issues focusing or remembering. I have issues using my head when I'm emotional.
I despise who I am and only feel good when thinking of who I could be. I can't feel it yet, I can only imagine it might come in time, the feeling that I can find balance somehow enough not to feel threatened in a dramatic way. Enough to build on completed projects and perseverance, somehow learning to communicate with people in a way that is fruitful to both. I'm all freaking backwards and thinking when I feel scared and upset like I do is like trying to see through a tiny crack in a door. Can't afford to stay still or look behind me though. Allot of me is going to die and allot of strange things are going to intrude my sense of security. Apparently it's going to be okay if I stick to that.
So that's at least something
I have to trust"apparently" a tiny bit more. Maybe.
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I'm really scared of what will happen when I see another pound up on the scale. Or another. Ah. I wish I had any kind of help with this. But it seems the more I relly on help the worse I get. I don't know how to accept this weight gain. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm confused. They say things but I feel so much resistance to it because I do'nt understand how to feel otherwise.
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I can't wait to get positive messages across with my art. I feel the need to inspire people. It contradicts my state though. All I can say is I hope I can change that eventually. I feel awful.